just thinking

3 thoughts for 2012. OK maybe one...

2011-12-24T09:14:00.000-08:00

I've found that I like to have three words, thoughts or ideas for a season. For the year 2010 the words were Perspective, Shalom, and Incarnate. Obviously they don't lose all meaning when the clock strikes 2011 and in fact, when 2011 came I didn't have something definite to replace them. I did write a blog about the 3 words and as I remember the first two words came and it took awhile for the third to hit. When it did it I knew right away. I still love and treasure the meaning in those 3 words and hope that they continue to grow and permeate my life.

The latest thoughts are: Stay connected, (I completely blanked on the second thought) and live each moment with purpose. I don't edit these posts (except for grammar and structure) and I'm writing off the top of my head so this is what happens when I don't write things down. It's funny that the first two thoughts have been with me for awhile but only in my head. It wasn't until just this week that the third thought formed and now I can't remember the second one. wow...

This takes me on a tangent (which is just another way of saying that I had an agenda for this post that is currently on hold). As I realized that I couldn't recall the second thought I had some quick thoughts of disappointment and a frantic memory search. Then the realization that if I truly dial in the first thought, Stay Connected, all else will fall into place. Maybe I was starting my own religion of "3 thoughts"...by that I mean creating a structure for myself that placed more emphasis on the structure and following the "rules" (even if they were self imposed) than allowing the Life of God to flow through me. So I just added to the title line...

If I live as I was designed to live, in constant connection to God, my life will have meaning, purpose, joy, hope and more in abundance. The challenge is to let go of my agenda, of my small and pitiful ideas of what will bring true joy and satisfaction and trust the author to write my story like I know He has, He can, and He will. This will happen on the macro scale with the 'big' decisions and on the micro scale, the moment by moment awareness of my relationship with God and whether I'm open or closed, running to or avoiding, listening or ignoring. The micro, as it turns out, is more important than the macro as all 'big' decisions are a culmination or result of many small decisions. The most important decision I can make right now is to be as connected to God as the branch is to the vine.

It will be interesting to see if that second thought comes back to me...

when i die

2011-12-07T16:10:00.001-08:00

I just had a thought that I wanted to capture about what I hope is said at my memorial service. It's not something I think about often but a facebook post about a funeral by someone else sparked the idea.

"In all the appropriate ways he didn't care what anyone thought. In all other ways, he cared deeply what everyone thought. and listened well"

The Monkey Story

2011-11-12T08:05:00.000-08:00

borrowed from Kit Pharro: Email: Kit@PharoCattle.com Website: www.PharoCattle.com

The Monkey Story –

First, you start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with cold water.

After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result – all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.

Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked, and the previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm! Likewise, replace a third original monkey, then a fourth, and then the fifth.

Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked. Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.

After replacing all of the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey will ever again approach the stairs to try for the banana. Why not?

Because… as far as they know, that's the way it's always been done around here. And that, my dear friends, is how most ... traditions get started."

what script am i living?

2011-11-08T23:20:00.000-08:00

Last week I went to Clarks football teams fundraiser: "comedy night". I don't think the guy told one joke all night but for almost 2 hours he had me laughing harder than I've laughed in at least 10 years. I almost fell out of my chair and kept having to wipe the tears away. He was a hypnotist and he has the special ability of hypnotizing multiple people at once in public. I've seen this from a distance at the OC Fair but didn't stick around long enough to really appreciate what they were doing. He called for volunteers into a crowd of mostly high school students and out of about 300 kids and 20 or so parents, he ended up with about 25 kids on stage, girls and guys- many football players included.

I won't, and shouldn't, recount everything he did with these kids but it was at the same time ROFL funny and completely fascinating. He had them totally under his command and control so that whenever he 'woke' them from their deep sleep they would act immediately on the cue that he had told them about. It's hard to pick my favorites because he raised the bar with each new act. One time he told them that when they heard the phone ring, they needed to quickly answer their 'shoe phone' because it was their favorite celebrity and they needed to tell their favorite celebrity how great they were. And it was ok to exaggerate! Well, he woke them up (and when I say 'woke' I mean they set up straight but were still in a little bit of a daze, not completely limp like they were when they got the instructions) He proceeded to chat with them and as he was talking, his assistant rang a bell. Immediately they ALL grabbed their shoe like a phone and started talking a mile a minute! some were gesturing with their hands and using body language. One guy walked over to the back of the stage and plugged his other ear! Then...the hypnotist proceeded to interview them!!! One girl was talking to Justin Beiber "yeah, baby!" and then another guy said "I'm talking to Taylor Swift!" and when told to tell Taylor something awesome about himself he said "I play football!"

I'm sure that part of what made it so funny was that i knew some of the kids, including big football players who, at one point were told they needed to pose because they were super models. Another time he told two students that they could speak perfect Chinese and also that they were "laughter police" so if they saw anyone in the audience laughing they needed to tell them off. I think that was one time I almost fell out of my chair- watching this guy 'speaking' Chinese and using karate motions as he told off the laughing audience. They must have performed at least 20 different acts that were each better than the one before. Super hilarious!!!

But very fascinating too. I don't know the physiology or psychology of hypnotism but I do know that it's real, that is to say the students were completely under the spell of this guy and they literally were acting in unison like robots. The implications of this are very eye opening. What would a person do if they are under hypnosis? I'm told that normal inhibitions apply so that if someone is told to do something they consider to be wrong, they won't do it. That's nice to know but I have to take this outside the entertainment world and make a life application.

Hypnotism is acting from a script that is placed intentionally in your head. Is not life acting on scripts that are placed intentionally AND unintentionally in our heads by us AND by others? What are the implications of acting on scripts that are placed unintentionally? What are the implications of acting on scrips that are place intentionally by others? Who could others be? What role does TV, movies, music have in placing scripts in our heads? What would prevent a script from being written over to make what once used to be considered wrong, now considered OK?

And now it gets personal. What scripts do I repeat inside my own head (if not actually out loud) that are a life draining, dysfunctional script? "I can't do that", " I suck", " I'm not good at that", " I'll never get there" , "why do bad things always happen to me?" , "I always fail so why try?" and on. and on... What are the consequences of living scripts that are negative and destructive?

Where to find the right scripts? The scripts that are life giving, positive, encouraging and wonderful? The best scripts ever are written by the Author of Life and they can be found scattered throughout SCRIPTURE. How about these? "I'm created to be exactly what God intended me to be","I'm forgiven" "I'm a child of the KING!" "My life is safe and secure in Jesus" "I've been redeemed" "There is NO condemnation for me" "I will reign forever with God"

What scripts are you living? Who gave them to you? Do you want to rewrite some of them?

perspective and string theory

2011-06-16T20:42:00.000-07:00

The need for an introduction is present when a thought is about to be downloaded so - (or maybe it's a disclaimer) - warning: this idea is half-baked. do not ingest without proper preparation.

Two people looking at the same object report seeing different shapes. One sees a circle, the other a square. No tricks or gimmicks involved and in fact, they are both right. They then have a conversation about their observations. It could go something like: they both comment, they both doubt the other person, they both doubt themselves, they reassert their view, they don't trust the other person, they stop talking thinking the other person is out of their mind (you really can't confuse a circle with a square).

I've had some conversations like that. It really seemed like there was no room for compromise - a black and white issue.

That's true in a 2 dimensional world. A circle is not a square and there is no middle ground.

Everything changes in a 3 dimensional world. The object above is a cylinder and one view is from the side and the other view is from the front. Each person, from their perspective, sees a different shape yet the true object is greater than either perspective. In fact, it's greater than both perspectives combined.

Translation to life, for me: be aware that there are perspectives different than mine of something that may seem so clear to me.

String theory is way beyond my ability to grasp. My last physics class was all Newtonian and this is quantum mechanics. String theory works in world of 10 dimensions (one version needs 11). This requires serious thinking outside the box because the world we interact with includes 4 dimensions (space x,y,z and time). We (ok, I) don't have the mental framework to imagine a 5th dimension, let alone 6 more dimensions but the formulas all work on this level. This is the place where...no, this is the realm that can have one thing occuping two places at the same time and (where) an x particle can be vibrating and not vibrating at the same time. Does your head hurt yet? There is a point...

Translation to life, for me: whether or not there is actually 6 other dimensions does not affect my reason for living BUT the idea that God lives in all dimensions gives me a tiny idea of how limited my perspective is on ANYTHING and allows a sense of wonder and humility, knowing that God knows all and the best man can do (in this realm) is to chase Him. I can chase Him through science (no thanks, but I'm fascinated by those who do) I can chase Him in many ways and I know that He wants me to. He wants me to "seek His face" I like that. A relationship with the One who knows all AND loves me.

Also: the implications for reconciliation are huge. There is no room for judging. I only know my own perspective. I can expand my perspective by moving closer to you and seeing yours. I can exponentially expand my perspective by moving closer to God and seeing His. The potential for unity through diversity because of wonder and humility is both huge and gratifying.

Miracle from 2009

2011-02-16T18:55:00.000-08:00

Another blast from the past that I don't want to forget. This is an email I sent to those who were praying about my stolen laptop:

Before I tell the story I want to thank all of you that prayed, helped, and felt my pain. Even though I was super discouraged at times, I felt very supported. THANKS!!!

Wed, April 15 – early am – my laptop and case were stolen out of my truck in the driveway. I had just put my backup memory stick in the case the day before. My ipod, three check books, credit cards, contractors license card and plenty of paper files and work diary were in the case as well. I filed a police report and got the feeling that it was a lost cause. I sent an email right away to many of you asking to pray for a miracle. That night my neighbor was filing a report for a car stereo also stolen at the same time. (my back up stick was always at the office- I had just decided the day before to bring it home figuring it would be safer. I had 3 years of business history, including templates on Word, Excel, and Project that I had custom made. The loss of this kept sinking in through the week, as I realized the extent of the loss was incalculable)

Most of the rest of the week was spent dealing with banks, credit agencies, and transferring auto debits. The thieves had used my email account for some unethical purposes and had access to all of my contacts- about 1500) I have a blackberry that I sync to my outlook so I did retain my contacts and calendar. Friday I bought a laptop online. I was actually ready for a new one as my Q key doesn’t work.

Saturday a guy from Corona called to say he found some of my paperwork discarded in an empty lot in Corona near his home. (better than nothing but I was still dying inside thinking of the loss)

Sunday Lyle loaned me his laptop to use and Cheri picked up the papers in Corona. The week was better emotionally as I gave up hope and decided to put it behind me and move on.

Thursday I went to my office, ‘read’ the paper (which is more like flipping the pages to see if anything catches my eye). Nothing caught my attention so I threw it out and opened my email to see that Dave sent an article from the Register about an arrest in Laguna Beach involving guys stealing laptops, etc. from vehicles. The guys are from Corona. My hope shot up to a 10 as I made calls to: the reporter, the LB PD, the OC Sheriff and waited.….

Here’s the word from Dave on seeing that article – Dave doesn’t even get the Register and hasn’t read it for over a year. He was taking his wife to the airport early in the morning and happened to see one in an unusual place and decided to pick it up. He never reads the section that the article was in but for ‘some reason’ decided to. When he saw the reference to Corona he thought of me and what I had told him earlier that week.

Thursday morning the LB PD called me and confirmed that the laptop in the article belonged to someone in LB had already been returned (Hope dropped again)

Thursday afternoon investigator Sims says that two suspects have admitted to 5 thefts in my neighborhood (about 15 miles from LB, where they were arrested, and 30 miles from Corona where they live). He told me that they released the suspects and would be working with them that night in Corona in a type of sting operation. (Hope rises again- my buddy Shaun called the hope-o-coaster)

Friday morning, April 24 investigator Sims left a message saying that one suspect said he threw it away (this is 9 days later). The other suspect said he sold it for $100. I didn’t even call the investigator back as hope is now gone for good. In an email to Glen though, I mentioned that a miracle is still possible.

Friday night in the middle of a movie, I recognize the number on my ringing phone as the investigator.

Sims “how ya doin?”

Me “I’m Ok I guess”

Sims “probably be better if you had your laptop, huh?”

Me “are you kidding me?”

Sims “why would I kid you? Come and get it!”

It would have been interesting to see my brain wave and heart graph at that point as the hope meter pegged out.

9:00 pm I had my laptop and it appears that I have not lost any documents or emails. I asked Sims if this was a miracle (rhetorical question to me). Sims “We get really lucky sometimes, this computer had changed hands at least 3 times”

Learnings – oh, forgot to mention that the Monday before the laptop was stolen I got an email from my business coach talking about staying in the learning zone vs. the comfort zone or the panic zone. This idea helped me keep perspective as I also knew that God knew and I could trust him. I realized how much of my identity was wrapped up in what I had done- I felt really lost as all my systems had vanished. I won’t be leaving valuables in my car overnight. Also the investigator told me to not use my remote lock to lock my car. Thieves have technology to intercept the signal and reuse it to unlock later. I also will (and already have) use online back ups. iDrive and Carbonite are two that were recommended. Asking for prayer is critical, I should do it more. Gratitude is a great state of mind.

Thanks again!

an old email

2011-02-16T18:41:00.000-08:00

I found this when I was looking for something else. It's the end of email I wrote responding to a business associate who had really disappointed me and my client. It's one of those things I should read more often:

....I have come to the point in my life (it took me long enough) to realize that I can’t do ANYTHING apart from my Creator. Sure, I would have agreed with that intellectually but my life did not demonstrate it. (My personal view of integrity is the size of the gap between what I say I believe and how I actually live). God used some difficult times to show me how desperate life is without Him. It would amaze me that I could go through a difficult time and become so close to God, realizing how I really did need Him and then slowly start thinking that I could do fine on my own and not really keep that relationship alive. I would characterize about 20 years of my life in that cycle. I would like to think that I won’t ever go down that independent path again but, in fact, I start down that path about 30 times a day! It’s just natural to look out for myself and pride has many faces- It’s so unnatural to look to God and beg for help but I realized as our Father, that’s what he wants. He makes a point throughout the Bible in stories and in black and white that He resists the proud and gives grace to the humble. And scripture teaches us to “humble yourself” – interesting that it’s something that I can do myself. Better me than anyone else and better me than God actually. He prefers that I humble myself. How? Whenever I think of it, I ask God to help me. It’s that simple. But He knows my heart, my intentions, my motives and He knows if I’m just repeating some words or if it’s coming from deep within. “Help me” communicates to Him that I need His strength to draw my next breath, to think my next sane thought, to be His light in this world. It also nips pride in the bud. I love watching some baseball players look and point up after a good play or winning the game- it’s a great visual on giving God the credit and not taking it myself. But I’m a work in progress too and I hope that God can use me to cause others to look and point up.

Family letter 2010

2010-12-13T22:41:00.000-08:00

Pretty sure this is the final version:

Dear Friends and Family, December 2010

Searching for a common thread for our family from the past year, it’s hard to ignore 5 visits to the ER, 2 casts, a wheelchair, a burial and Thanksgiving day in the hospital. But that would not be the whole story. It would only be the small, surface story and a sad one at that. The whole story is much deeper…Thank God!

Our awareness of the larger story helps us see that even (or especially) in the crisis, tragedy and trauma of our lives, God is working in ways that we hardly ever understand in the moment. Yet, in hindsight, we are in awe of His love and His ways that are beyond our thinking. So we press on, projecting the knowing of hindsight into a faith in the present; that our Father loves us and toward the future; that He will continue to work all things for our good.

Jacob (fractured foot) is getting rave reviews at school once again and seems to be setting the Steele height record each year but still looks up about a foot to Clark (pulled muscle) who enjoyed being part of varsity football this year and moved to the other side of the line as a tight end, now heavier and almost as tall as Dad ( 2 finger injuries) who has restructured his business and just plain glad he has work like Kara (broken leg, bruised everywhere else from a major car accident) who is now an adult(!): working part time, at jr. college part time, and being a good friend full time including to Cheri (severe anemia, surgery) which she really needed as she has had most of the tragedy and trauma this year including the passing of her mother in September, which was completely unexpected. Sometimes life is like the breathless run-on sentence you just read but Marilyn’s passing was like the end of a chapter. A too-sudden end that required putting the book down and absorbing that reality.

Life will go on. It has. But it’s different now. It’s deeper and more fragile. We are reminded of our mortality…then reminded of our immortality. Then we rest, and He restores our souls. And we are so thankful. For Him and many of you that have reached out to our family. We are humbled and encouraged by your love.

Our hope and prayer for you, us and everyone is that we continue to find rest in God, that we continue to follow Jesus as the Way, the Truth, and the Life, and that our awareness and desire for the larger story would cause us to keep seeking the Writer of our story.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

The Steeles: J, Cheri, Kara, Clark, and Jacob

Poverty, cause and cure (personal)

2010-10-16T20:47:00.000-07:00

Just writing the title of this gives me a glimpse into the power trip that could influence writers. It took about two seconds to type- betraying the magnitude of the concept conveyed. I read a book a while ago titled "when helping hurts" wherein one of the main points was that we have to expand our view of 'poverty'. The authors explained that poverty is the result of a dysfunctional relationship in one or more of the following areas: with self, with others, with the rest of creation, with God.

The thought that is forming in my mind is: 1) how man has tried in each of these relationships to make it good, to make it right on their own, 2) a typical religious response, and 3) a reconciliation perspective.

First is our relationship with ourself. That's a strange thought in itself- that I could have a relationship with myself- so it's simply how I view myself (past, present, and future). In Maslov's hierarchy the top of the pyramid is 'self-actualization'. In pop psychology the idea is to look within, that all we need is already in us. There are many expressions of this today but the general idea is pretty much the same and permeates everyone to some degree. So we have self-help, self-fulfillment, human potential books, seminars, music, even sermons.

A typical religious response quotes plenty of scripture with the point that there is nothing good about ourselves, we have to die to self, deny self, etc. It can give a person the feeling of shame for just being human. I understand the point and it is based on some truth but if we are taking something away from someone (a faulty understanding of who they are), it would be loving and productive to offer a replacement that is more complete, not just leave them with a guilt/shame judgement.

A reconciliation perspective might look like this. Instead of outright rejecting the idea or reacting to the language, probe to find what is underneath the words to the real needs. Seek first to understand. I can see that this is a common human need and desire: to find my 'true' self and be all that I can be. Instead of squelching that desire, what about asking some questions to encourage a healthy pursuit and fulfillment? "Who made me? Why did he make me? How did he uniquely make me?" Better yet, have that conversation with God. He has created each of us to be unique and like the famous quote which I'm paraphrasing: "the world has yet to see a person who has become all they were created to be" Ok, it saw Jesus so the world has seen one person.

What keeps me from being all that I can be? Heb 12:2 gives me a clue "get rid of sin and the extra weight..." We were born programmed to put self first. God can transform us by the renewing our mind to find our life by losing it. Talk about upside down thinking.

next blog- relationship with others (social)

tribute to mom

2010-09-27T22:28:00.000-07:00

I was blessed for 20 years to have two moms. yesterday my second mom left this world. it was quite unexpected as she was in great health and spirits having recovered from recent back surgery. she was 4" taller and quite proud of it. she was (mostly) free of the pain which had been part of her life for 30+ years. her formal relationship to me was mother-in-law but fortunately, we had a great relationship. Cheri would joke to others that her mother (or parents, I can't remember now) thought more of me than her. the truth was that their love is/was so complete that 'more' was not possible. i'm already seeing that it's gonna be hard to write about mom as a separate person from dad. they truly were one, and half of that one is no longer with us...

The short history is that I knew mom and dad stephens before I met Cheri. they were sponsors in the college group at Calvary and I was the missions point man. Cheri was away at school and work in Santa Barbara and they say they introduced us once when she was in town but neither of us remember it (?) So the Stephens were my friends from the very beginning of our knowing each other. As I hear more and more stories from others, this is a common thread- it's not long after they know you that you're friends. So Marilyn, being a travel agent, would help me with airfare when i would visit my parents or go overseas. When i decided to go to Austria to help rebuild a school, she convinced me to stay 4 more weeks and travel around. So I started in London, ended in Madrid and had a wonderful experience with great memories. Thanks mom.

When I met Cheri for the first time (according to us) it was in the context of meeting my friends daughter. That changed pretty fast as it became apparent that there was major mutual attraction :) Mom and dad made it real easy to be part of the family. I always felt total acceptance, respect and love. Thanks mom.

Mom was always 'on', always engaged. Mom had an opinion about almost everything and usually felt free to express it - and even change it midstream. She didn't have that stubborn pride that causes some of us to stick to our opinions long after they've been proven wrong. She would easily admit a faulty view and move on. Mom and I had some disagreements but they were always in the context of mutual love and respect so we didn't take our differences personally. I think it actually added to the respect we had for each other. She was up on current events and could talk to each of her grandkids with relevance. Thanks mom.

When we were in the hospital room on Sunday to say goodbye, the nurse brought us all some lunch. It was good and much appreciated but I thought - wow, this is pitiful compared to past Sunday afternoon feasts with Nana. She's here but not really and the food doesn't even begin to compare with the famous London Broil, or Dutch babies, or .... the list is long. Breakfasts at the cabin were truly epic. Thanks mom.

mom loved people and had special place in her heart for foreigners. her and dad served and ministered to countless students here and overseas over years and years of their faith journey. mom had the obvious gift of hospitality and leveraged it through God's strength to bring many closer to Him. she was a model of sacrificing to serve. When she endured the back pain for 30+ years, she would wince in pain imperceptibly, almost constantly, yet without complaining. When she was close to the end dad put his hand on her head, looked in her face and said "well done good and faithful servant, enter into the joy of your master". yeah. thanks mom

a life like moms can't really be summarized. at least by me. too much. if i had to in one sentence it would be something like "she truly lived and engaged those around her to do the same". Thanks mom.

Thanks for everything. It was a pleasure to know you. To be loved by you. to be part of your family. To eat at your table. To rest in your house. This sounds familiar... and it does give me a taste of heaven. I can only imagine how your reunion was yesterday. Good bye...for now.

Good news

2010-07-18T14:14:00.000-07:00

The following is mostly from HomeWord Devotionals [contactus@homeword.com] from their daily email sent on July 7th. I kept it in my inbox for a reminder and now partly because I have a occasional OCD about an empty inbox and partly to keep this more permanent, I have copied it here:

By Mike DeVries

After John was put in prison, Jesus went into Galilee, proclaiming the good news of God. “The time has come,” he said, “The kingdom of God has come near. Repent and believe the good news!" Mark 1:14-15

I’ve been thinking about the “Good News” that Jesus proclaimed. What is it? What makes this news so good to a world in need?

The Good News is the news that my past and my present are not just forgiven, but are made new again – as if it never happened. I am not who I was.

The Good News is the news that what I am going through is not the end of the story. God has the final word – not a diagnosis, a hurtful comment, an abuse, a label, or a broken relationship.

The Good News is that there truly is hope, even when I don’t feel like there is much.

The Good News is the news that God is invading the broken places of my life and beginning the process of making me whole again. He has not only “saved me.” He is also “saving me.”

The Good News is the news that God sees and knows.

The Good News is the news that He cares enough to act.

The Good News is the news that God is restoring and reconciling all things, including all things in heaven and on earth.

The Good News is the news that, in Jesus, heaven has begun to crash into earth.

The Good News is the news that I am invited to be a part of God’s restoration movement, to partner with Him in making all things new again.

The Good News is the news that someday I will see Him face-to-face: My Creator, my Sustainer, my Breath and my Life.

I don’t know about you, but that’s good news to me!
I've been reading "the vine" by Andrew Murray which is based on John 15 and the metaphor of our true life resembling the branch- Jesus as the vine and the gardener is God. My true life, the one I was created for, is completely interdependent and designed to bear fruit. One of the main themes I'm picking up is that since my true life is actually what I was created for, it's not foreign. I may be out of the interdependent mode or habit so the retraining, the rethinking, the discipline of my mind may take some time and effort, but the goal is like coming home again. There is something familiar and comfortable and peaceful about the abiding life. That is good news to me. It's not weird or hard or unnatural. It's actually what my spirit, mind, and body crave and function the best in.
This morning we heard that God's promise to Abraham in Gen 12:3 involves being blessed to be a blessing which is the same as being in the vine to bear fruit. Our true life is not just about being in the vine. That's great and essential but the goal is to be a blessing, to bear fruit. It's awesome that God did not come to Abraham with a short intro and a list of commands but rather a promise. And it's the ultimate win-win: live life the way God designed it and it will spill over to those around me. That is good news. Thank you, Father! I want to always be a fruitful branch, connected and growing

a story in the Story

2010-04-01T05:13:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was one of ‘those days’- in a good way! (I'll do my best to hit the highlights knowing that I'm leaving out tons of details)

About a year ago I was asked if I wanted to help a non-profit remodel a house for emancipated foster girls right here in town (thank you Ben M). I had heard about this incredible woman, Laurie, at Saddleback (church) a couple years ago, then read her story in the OC Register and was so impressed with her desire and ambition. I fell over myself trying to say ‘yes’ fast enough and so we started. Because of that project, The Teen Project, the architect asked me if I wanted to play in the annual fundraiser for the local HomeAid chapter by building a playhouse. I went through that open door as well (thank you Greg B) and immediately found myself to be a very small fish in a very big pond. At the first intro lunch I was surrounded by nationwide homebuilders and their teams. Company names you would recognize. Eight of them. I came alone: "Hi, I'm J Steele from Black Diamond Builders" (who?). I found a seat by Caroline and we shared our stories.

Caroline was the daughter of the owner of the host of the lunch party and they donated all the hardware for the playhouses. I told her about The Teen Project and watched her eyes moisten as I described Lauri and her mission with these girls. She told me that she was mentoring a foster girl who would be emancipated in a year and they didn't know what would be next. (btw, the gov’t gives foster kids $ 200 and ‘good luck’ when they turn 18). I connected her with Laurie the next day. Hold that thought.

Also about this time I wanted to connect people at my church, TerraNova, who needed work. I started a group and met Tim T who among other cool things, turned me onto Twitter. My first tweetup was at Boneheads where I watched Rochelle interview Morgan, the owner. I knew (or more like, felt) that Rochelle had an amazing gift and so, as they say, I pondered these things in my heart.

Meanwhile, the summer was a near death blow to my business. I couldn’t donate any more to The Teen Project and another builder stepped in to finish (thanks Scott!). One of many humbling steps in the journey. We finished the playhouse out of sheer something! (definitely a story for another day) and alas, the day to auction drew nigh. By this time I had laid off everyone at work, including my wife and was struggling with money/identity/direction/etc. which you might pick up in previous posts here during that time. I invited Rochelle and Chelsey to the auction party and was overwhelmed by their delight and gratitude. As you know, she did her famous flip video and helped make the night very special. The video made it to the east coast to a national industry magazine, which impressed the locals enough to nominate me to give seminars on social media and to be the VP of Remodelers Council for SoCal. That’s why I say you can’t out give Rochelle- or thank her enough.

Fast forward to yesterday. The Teen Project ribbon cutting ceremony was at noon and I was impressed at the number of people there. I had thought of Caroline earlier in the day, hoping to see her there. I had no idea how big of deal it was. I had to park three blocks away and was stoked to have to walk that far, knowing how many people were either hearing the story for the first time or standing with Laurie and her girls for the umpteenth time. I have plaques from the city, state, and fed officials and was in a boatload of pictures. BUT…my highlight? I saw Caroline, she introduced me to Erika, we caught up and she wrote this email afterward:

------------------------------------------------------------

J –

Great to see you too! You guys really did an awesome job with the house.

I have met Lauri a few times now and she continues to be such an inspiration. She has had Erika in her home multiple times and her generosity and gift for these kids is awe-inspiring!

Thanks again for reaching out that day at the Project Playhouse kick-off. Had it not been for you, this cycle that God created for Erika wouldn’t have existed. God is Good All the Time.

Thanks again,

Caroline

-----------------------------------------

Erika is in the final stages of being accepted to live in this home!

Rochelle has continued to connect me to her community of inspiring people, including Paul who encouraged me to post this.

I feel like I'm living the dream - not the American dream (another story of contrasts!) but much bigger and life giving. Thank you all and God, the master dream weaver!

putting words to the journey

2010-03-08T20:40:00.000-08:00

Part of my challenge with blogging/journaling is that words aren't adequate for the thoughts in my head. And then added to that, the thoughts are compounded and it's difficult to draw a boundary because one thing leads to another and the conversation gets as big as life itself.

I'm going to credit Nick T. with this post as he revealed a basic outline to me a couple weeks ago that I've been pondering. We were talking about our journey through life, in faith and how it wasn't what we thought it would be. For some reason, probably human nature combined with miscommunicated teaching, I had expected life to be more linear like a chart or graph that was consistently moving (upward and onward, right?) What I've experienced is more like what Bruce Wilkinson describes as loops. It's more of the "three steps forward, two steps back" or even "TWO steps forward and THREE steps back" feeling. And many of the loops seem to repeat on the same themes. For me, they seem to be about false identity issues. Things that I thought were part of me and took pride in which are being pulled from me. Each new round seems to go a little deeper and while I appreciate the love of God to discipline me, it still hurts because well- it's me. Or at least that's what I thought. So most of the pain is the re-calibrating my sense of 'me' without the issue that is leaving.

Here's a progression that Nick left with me the other day. The spiritual journey starts in the "chaotic/antisocial" phase. Truth is relative and Self is all. A crisis usually causes movement out of this into "formal/institutional" where Religion thrives. Again a crisis of some sort moves a person into "skeptic/individual" which can easily be interpreted as abandonment of faith, but if the formal/institutional is deconstructed in a healthy way, it can lead to the final phase of "mystic/communal" where the wonder and awe of God and His ways begin dawning in fascinating ways- and with others. I remember beginning the skeptic/individual phase and being scared of what I was thinking and processing, some of which is in earlier blogs. In fact, I think I started blogging during this phase as I begin to deconstruct some of the external or extraneous elements of what I thought was faith. It helps me tremendously to know what to expect AND that someone else has 'been there, done that'.

So what IS next? Here's what I expect: more mystery, more community, more pruning, more refining fires, more communion, more peace, more centeredness, more pain, more of Christ in me, more awareness of what God is up to, more perspective on life, more awe at the simple things, more adoration of my Lord, more appreciation of people- each of them a masterpiece in some stage of 'rough', more love, more grace, more mercy, less of the false me. I'm ready.

Thank you!!!

2010-02-04T02:23:00.000-08:00

I woke up at 1:30am with so much gratitude it literally felt like my heart would explode. It's an hour later now and, while escaping cardiac arrest, I'm still overwhelmed with thankfulness. My best effort in writing will fall short of the whole emotion and energy of it but, so here it is: God has put people in my life that are just amazing. Maybe they're not celebrities to others but they have affected me to my core in ways that i don't have the vocabulary for. I want to name them all and I still might but i know i wouldn't do justice to the task, too many- and with my memory... well 'nuf said.

My left brain struggles to keep up with my right brain in moments like this but a thought that occurred to me is that I'm reaping what I sowed. Yesterday I was on a high of just pumping others up. I'm not sure what sparked it but it just went all day long- through email, on twitter, in person and in my prayers. I had some kind of increased vision of how special each person was that was in my life, intentional or not, and I just wanted to love them and let them know it. What came back was messages via text, facebook, twitter, email, phone calls and in person that were so encouraging that it's literally overflowing my capacity to feel it all and express it.

How i wish technology could take my heart and put in it writing. words are feeling inadequate. so when i woke up my heart/chest/soul/whatever felt so full that i wondered if I was (physically) OK. My mind kept moving from person to person, thanking God that He connected us (see last post, "like a freeway")

I'm going for it here as this is mainly my journal and if i think of more later, I'll just edit or add a comment :) Cheri, Dad&Mom, Todd, Ben, Kara, Clark, Jacob, Lane&Josie, Jael, Jewel, Jena,Ralph&Jacquie, Christy, Kim, Daniel&Cindy, Jeff&Rocio, Jeff F, Erik R, Eric P, Shaun&Maria, Lyle, David&Karen, John R x 3, Mike, Steve G, Scott W, Harold&Marilyn, Doug&Carol,John S,Gary B x 2, Bob S, Gerardo M, Russ Y, Steve M, Jason L, Phil, Brian T, Annette, Brian G(RIP), Chris L x2, Dan P, Don&Sunbeam, Don M, Dale, Glen R, Glen W x 2, Kenny N, Kenny&Kathy, Kevin (RIP), Gene P, Brett R, Brett S, Gma S (RIP), Gmpa/ma H (RIP), Gina P, Rochelle V, Tim T-S, Claude&Kelley, Mike T, John M, Brian M, Dismas, John S, Mark B, Mark L, Stan S, Chris B, Dave L, Dave A, Chuck A (RIP), Al, Frank, Carl, Randy S, Jeff S, Thom, Kyle, Gordon, Floyd, Louie, Jay, Jon Hx2, Rob H, Jesse G, Jesse L, Jessah P-M, Michelle, Kyoko&Hiro, John&Karen, Mark K, Mark&Yvette, John&Kathy, Ron&Janice, Scott&Kathy, Juan C, Juan&Lydia, Daniel M, Patty L, Doug H, Kristin S, Anne G, Alan D, Cody F, Ron H, John C, Jim E, German&Ester, Milton, Paul T, Bridgett...

Others I can see their face and hear their voice but can't think of their names like my English professor in college-wow, I'm glad I wrote you a letter way back when I remembered. Then there are whole groups/communities that would add hundreds- it's just mind blowing. If this is a small taste of heaven, I'm literally not ready yet for the full deal unless I have the increased capacity to absorb it. Part of me wanted to jump out of bed and start writing thank you notes (note to self-start that habit again) and another part of me just wanted to stay in the moment. It was ecstasy in communion with God- surreal but yet more real, almost like a new dimension. Now it's 3:30 and I'm in wonder of this gift of a moment. To think of having that continual high for eternity is really too much to comprehend. And how to communicate that to others?

This morning I was in a meeting and the MC gave credit to "the universe" for something. I thought, wow, that's about as big as you can get-but so unpersonal. The reality that I have a relationship with it's creator is....well....I'm speechless... with awe and gratitude. Thank you GOD!

Just "THANK YOU" forever....

like the freeway

2010-02-01T22:26:00.000-08:00

I was driving on the freeway today and let someone merge when the metaphor hit me: Life is like the freeway. I know, like any analogy, it breaks down at a certain point but the more i thought about it, the more it was very fitting. I'll just stick to the freeway and you can make the connections to life: EVERYTHING I mention is part of the metaphor so take a break if you need- don't speed read this.

I'm on a journey and there are people all around me at this point in my journey. Some are going faster, some slower. 99.99% don't even acknowledge me as a person and I'll never see them again. I have no idea which ones I'll never see again. Some will be near me for almost the whole journey. This is rare but when it happens, there's some kind of bonding that happens. Just a little, I'll be honest- I feel a certain affinity to that CAR- not even the people inside really, because of our shared journey. It always brings a certain joy when I (or the kids) spot the same car 100 miles later. And then there are the cars that I take turns with passing each other and it's kind of fun but I don't know if they are having the same kind of fun I am or if they're actually competing or getting a tude. Ok, sometimes I'm the one competing :) Some enter at one exit and leave at the next and I kind of wonder why they even bothered getting on. (there's that "wonder" word again...)

We all have our own routes which MAY have different starting and stopping points but the reality is: right here and right now I am surrounded by cars (Ok, I'm in SoCal) and we are all moving roughly in the same direction (think hard on that) at sometimes very different speeds. In fact, not rarely enough, a car is stopped on the side with either a mechanical failure, out of gas, or unfortunately- an accident. I usually try to guess why they are stopped, if the reason isn't obvious, as I fly by. If the reason is obvious i tell myself that it would cause too big of a problem if i stopped to help- they probably have help on the way- or, God forbid, they may hurt me. I actually have stopped a few times to help and found the experience quite rewarding. I've also been stopped, by accident or out of gas or transmission, etc. and have been so fortunate to be helped by some very kind souls. When I can't see what the problem is, it makes me wonder...until I get distracted by the next (unexpected lane change, new road sign, funny bumpersticker, etc.) My mind moved on but the stopped car is still there- waiting- for what?

Traffic flows well when we all drive nice and let others merge. Speaking of merging, I always thought that was the main reason for traffic jams, which start with slow downs which start with someone stepping on their brakes and the person behind them didn't allow enough room and had to do the same plus a little more, then the chain reaction started. Margin is a good thing that would avoid the braking->jams->frustration and impatience. But that's just my opinion.

Merging is an interesting ordeal. It's cool when a merge is seamless. It's fun to watch and even more fun to do. So someone enters my life (ooops, I forgot that you're making the metaphor stick) So someone is on the onramp and I can see them in my peripheral vision and my mind begins to subconsciously calculate the rate, distance and timing of their eventual merge. It is interesting that if I'm the one merging, I'm much more tuned into the flow and how I will fit in. On the other hand, if I'm on the main road I'm much less aware of those that would like to join the flow. I can actually ignore them and get away with it because, well, I have the right of way and it's their job to figure out how to fit it, right? I say get away with it but that's not always the case. If I see an 18 wheeler, I will accommodate it much more than I would an economy car because the potential consequences to MY car are vastly different. Plus, I know that truck will go wherever it wants and the economy car understands he's at the bottom of the food chain. I used to drive some fairly old, big and ugly cars. You really want to know, right? Ok, '76 Pacer (ugly) '65 Wildcat (huge,old) 88 Ford F-250 (all the above). Here's how driving the OBU car works: people give you space. They really don't want to get close to you. And they know you have nothing to lose if you get too close so they basically avoid you. Now I drive decent cars and I can feel the difference. Really.

I'm gonna stop here for two reasons: it's late and there's a lot to absorb in the metaphor. I might continue. Or you might comment to continue. But I'll sign off with a few questions:

Where's your journey taking you?

Do you have a map or GPS?

What lane are you in?

How have your merges been?

Are you moving or stopped?

Do you like your car?

Is this post too abstract for your box? :)

My nature

2010-01-08T17:17:00.000-08:00

This is copied from a daily email devotional I get from Homeword.com

"The story has been told of a man who while hiking in a desert, stumbled upon a rattlesnake that had become hopelessly wedged between a boulder and some limbs from a fallen tree. The man decided to save the rattlesnake, but in the process the snake tried to bite him. The man tried to free the snake a second time. Again, the snake tried to bite the man. Finally, on the third attempt the man succeeded in freeing the snake. And still, the snake coiled and attempted to strike its liberator. The man’s companion, who had observed from a safe distance, asked the man why he continued to risk himself to free the snake. The man responded, “The snake was attempting to strike because that is its nature. My nature is to love. Should I cease to love because the snake attempts to strike?”

The metaphor is easy. The self-inspection is not so easy. What is my nature?

Sometimes it's the snake. Sad but true...and tempting to delete what i just wrote.

Sometimes it's 'the man', the rescuer as it were.

Why it does it switch? Can I control which nature shows up?

Paul answers this better than I can in the 8th chapter of Romans. Here's my paraphrase summary of a section of that chapter: If I give up control of my corrupt nature, which reeks of death and decay, to the Spirit of God, He lives in me and gives me a new attitude and life that is alive and at peace with God.

So I CAN control.... by giving up control. Counterintuitive but so like God. His 'foolishness' confounding my 'wisdom'. I wouldn't want it any other way :)

3 words for 2010

2010-01-03T22:13:00.001-08:00

I've been all over the map in recent years with New Years Resolutions/Goals/ect. and this year I started thinking in terms of key words. The first two came to me in December: Perspective and Shalom. I was hoping the third would come before the first (for some reason I thought I "needed" three). Since it wasn't making itself known I had thoughts of just going with two. After all, these two are meta-theme type words that are very all encompassing so the third, if it were forced, may seem like a afterthought; the runt of the litter that would die an early death. I decided I would wait for the third but I grew impatient and tried to force it. Some of my forced ideas were "smile" and "action"- wow...

This morning we were meeting with our faith community and the message gave me my third word. I knew it the second I heard it! Incarnation. Another word pregnant (pardon the near pun) with meaning. Perfect and powerful! More on each next post....

Promises

2010-01-03T21:59:00.000-08:00

In with the new year, and decade. A traditional time for resolutions, or promises. This is from Kit Pharo at Kit@PharoCattle.com who sends a weekly email. There's more to it but these are the words from a hymn that I grew up signing and I can still picture Tallin Church. My mental picture always comes from the left side of the aisle and some key people who were actually very good singers, are part of my mental picture. If the picture comes from recent years, then Gene is at the helm with story, scripture, and song weaving the message of faith to 50 or so of us midwest farmer/ranchers. Here's the song, Standing on the Promises: (note the verbs)

Verse 1:
Standing on the promises of Christ my King,
Through eternal ages let His praises ring;
Glory in the highest, I will shout and sing,
Standing on the promises of God.

Chorus (sung after each verse):
Standing, standing,
Standing on the promises of God my Savior;
Standing, standing,
I’m standing on the promises of God.

Verse 2:
Standing on the promises that cannot fail,
When the howling storms of doubt and fear assail,
By the living Word of God I shall prevail,
Standing on the promises of God.

Verse 3:
Standing on the promises of Christ the Lord,
Bound to Him eternally by love’s strong cord,
Overcoming daily with the Spirit’s sword,
Standing on the promises of God.

Verse 4:

Standing on the promises, I cannot fall,

Listening every moment to the Spirit’s call,

Resting in my Savior as my all in all,
Standing on the promises of God.

And scripture at the bottom by Kit:

…he (God) has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them we may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires. 2 Peter 1:4

So through the promises (standing, overcoming, listening, resting) I can participate in the divine nature (Christ in me, me in Christ) and escape the dysfunctional stories that surround me. Sounds like a great way to start the year!

Resolved?

2009-12-30T12:05:00.000-08:00

A friend from Africa said that he wished for me whatever I wished for 2010. About 3 weeks ago I made a list of decisions or mindsets that I wish to be more aware of and resolve to make the right choice:

Isolate vs. Engage

Initiative vs. Apathy

Control vs. Surrender

Anxiety vs. Peace/Trust

Gratitude vs. Complaining

Willing submission vs. Independent, stubborn pride

Eyes wide open for miracles vs. eyes down and inward

Possibility vs. Problems

Trying to figure it all out vs. Letting it go

Serving others vs. My own agenda

Desire to be right vs. Give affirmation

Inspire others vs. Comfort myself

In summary, I wish to be more of what I was created to be: in right relationship with God and others – to be whole – Shalom.

Happy New Year!

If your day will be busy

2009-11-05T22:27:00.000-08:00

An analogy that is stuck in my head is about the two men racing to cut down a tree. One man starts hacking away immediately and the other sharpens his axe for the first thirty minutes. You know who wins. I know how this applies to my day, my life. Why don't I sharpen the axe every day? What does it mean to sharpen my axe? The link below says it best (and it was written more than 100 years ago). Personally, it means to: connect with my creator, remind myself of truth, put my day and all my aspirations in His hands THEN start chopping...

http://gracegems.org/Miller/for_a_busy_day.htm

Thank you Lois via mom!

Caution - pruning in process, get real

2009-11-01T17:22:00.000-08:00

Thanks to Sharon encouraging me to keep this up or I might have have abandoned the blog. I know it's a great outlet for me and I don't journal like I used to (why?- it's so healthy for me...)
Frankly, the last 7 months have been a time of pruning. Pruning is such an innocent sounding word for all the stress and confusion that surrounds it. There's no way to get the full flavor here but I'll hit the 'highlights'. [big sigh]
It all started when I got completely real with God 25 years ago and told him that he could do with me whatever he wanted because i was done with my life in terms of control. I've re-upped on that deal from time to time when I've sensed that I'm taking back control or taking credit for my life. God keeps his end of the bargain very well and doesn't always wait for me to sense (again) my utter dependance on him to keep the process moving forward.
This latest round has the surface look of finacial problems. Little to no work, bills that aren't being paid, wondering what changes will come if this continues...
Money is a constant theme in scripture and I know it's a big indicator of our relationship with God. I've never seen myself of having a good handle on money so the pride wasn't directly in that. The pride was more in the idea that I thought my reputation at work was so good that I would never lack for it. I was the provider for my family and they were all just fine, thank you. We didn't have luxeries or feel the need to keep up with the Jones' but that was also a convuluted form of spiritual pride. What amazes me is how pride can work into any agenda that isn't truly of God.
I took pride in being punctual, current, responsible and all those good things and God gently took those away from me. I say gently with total sincerity because I know it could have been way more disruptive. Here's the core idea, as I see it: God is removing layers of my identity which I had constructed. WHY I constructed this is a good question. Was I living off others' scripts? Did I care more about what other people thought than what God thinks? And the human justification is always presenting itself: it's good business to be punctual, to pay my bills on time, to respond to clients and prospects in a timely and thourough way. And that's where it gets tricky because the answer is yes. I certainly don't think that God would want me to be the opposite and yet, it seems that He has caused (crippled) me to not be able to BE what I thought i WAS. He did it to show me who I really am without Him. I won't go into all the details, partly because I don't know them but when I see a glimpse of who I am without Him, it is a picture that it alternately pathetic (thanks Brett) and scary.
So he has me on a journey that is part of His big story and part of my story. The current journey is an identity crisis. I think that term gets thrown around alot so here's what it looks like to me right now: God is removing identifiers in and around me that obstruct or blur a clear view that others might have of his Son. Some of these may have seemed good but they were tainted with pride, the idea that somehow I could take credit for it. This process has to involve extended times because it's change (another blog later on change requiring time and what it will mean to live without time...) Something about being human requires time and repeated experiences to produce a paradigm shift. Paul had a dramatic conversion but then spent 3 or so years in the desert being instructed, undergoing a big mind shift. And while I would love this to be over sooner than later, I understand that the longer it continues, the deeper it's ingrained in me that he loves me enough to discipline me and wants to conform me to the image of his Son.
Two of the issues that I have to deal with on daily basis because of this: 1) how do I answer people that ask me how I'm doing? The poser needs to be gone but I also want to be positive. Ultimately this whole thing IS positive, it just doesn't feel that way much of the time. This has helped me to reframe my thinking to view my situation through God's eyes instead of viewing God through the lens of my situation. 2) how do I pursue work and connections with the energy and hope that i usually have when I don't know how long God will continue this drought and possibly even directing me to something else?
Shaun gave me a book called "isolation" that was perfect for me at this time. Someone gave it to him when he needed it and now he sensed it was my turn. It is HUGE when someone can accurately describe what's going on, identify it, and help you through it. David, Jeff, John, Daniel and many others including two small groups have come alongside in different ways to help me experience and therefore, more fully understand the importance of the body healing itself (when connected to the head)
I don't doubt Gods presence or his love for me. In fact, it has only been strengthened during this time. I like Job's perspective 'though he slay me, yet will i trust him' Call it the ultimate Stockholm syndrome. I want to so identify and empathize with my captor that I can't imagine being independant.
The bottom line for me: STAY CONNECTED - I have to be OK with the yellow flag warning that I get when disconnection produces insecurity, anxiety, apathy, anger and other disfuctional responses. I used to ignore and deny this which would require masking, posing, etc. Connection to God AND to others. Engage, be interested, help, encourage. My default is to
The byproduct of connection is awareness and guidance. I want to be more aware of Gods' big story. I suppose there's some balance between being aware of God's big story and what He's up to specifically with me but if I truly am connected then it's all working together. If I get too distracted and theoritcal with the big story then maybe that's another yellow flag.
I pray that John 15 marinates in my life and my branch is always in the true vine.
Your's too

ski lift philosophy

2009-04-03T21:42:00.000-07:00

First a disclaimer - this may be similar to "arm chair quarterbacking" because I'm not a philosopher by trade or training, I just like to play at it. So anyways...

I was sitting on the chairlift today and had some time to think about more than planning my next route down the mountain. I think it started with the idea of control and oh yeah, I was thinking that I wasn't as obsessive/compulsive about tying up all the loose ends before leaving on vacation. I was reminded today of a couple things that I didn't take care of (oops) by the guys at work. So I asked myself why and is that a good thing and how do I move away from being a control freak but not toward being careless or apathetic (I know the answer is "carefully"- very funny). This sparked a thought into a much bigger arena which I will do my best to describe. (remember the disclaimer before reading on)

It seems to be human nature to want to figure it all out- to make sense of our existence in a general, philosophical sense as well as all of the details. So mankind, in every culture throughout history has developed overarching themes, stories, religions, and philosophies to explain life. Even if someone claims to be independent of all of this, they are still living from some type of script, whether consciously or not. (oh, and excuse my grammar)It seems that the authors of any given script always make their own people out to be the best, the 'good', the right and preferred.

I have lived from a script inherited from my parents. I've lived from a similar script contained in the community. In a general sense, I've lived from a script that is common in our country and in western civilization. That script has always represented truth to me. The unsettling thought that usually is repressed is "how can everyone on earth have conflicting stories/philosophies/religions and think that WE are right, WE are the chosen ones, WE have truth" when everyone else has the same thought. It's easy to believe the script when you're surrounded by all the reinforcing script writers. What if I'm immersed into a foreign culture with a completely different or even opposite script? And so (sidenote) this is how the majority get complacent, the minority have more of a determination to rock the status quo and history keeps repeating itself.

In the interest of staying focused, this was where my thoughts went on the chairlift (yeah it was a long lift). There is a danger in thinking that we have life all figured out, that we can make sense of the minutiae. I think there is a condition called "wonder" that is healthy. Healthy because it's real. It lines up with reality better than thinking we understand how it all works. Historically it seems that when a script gets too defined and rigid, it loses it's life and becomes the status quo. Even the minority roles that seeks to usurp the old status quo can become the new status quo.

Challenge to self: is there a way to avoid the trend toward lifeless dogma? There is an answer, but be careful, because the answer can itself become lifeless dogma. (We can turn anything new and fresh and exciting into tiresome rules and formulas given enough time) The answer is a personal relationship with my Creator. Now life takes a whole fresh meaning (if I let Him open my mind in wonder and don't blindly accept the dogma that's been scripted about Him, but read His own script through new, fresh eyes) If I try to see it through His eyes- how sad that people have preconceived ideas that keep them from approaching Him! How hurtful to see Yourself misrepresented by so many in religious authority. How much He wants to include you and I into His community but will not force the issue (can one force love, even if they are all powerful?) What can I do today to discover the real Lover of my soul and work past the scripts that might not be representing Him well? It may involve deconstructing of some familiar storylines, replaced with constructing on Truth (as in a person, not a script)

My concluding thought on the lift: I want to always be in a posture of wonder. I don't have to try to pigeon hole everybody and every situation. God knows and I will trust Him, he has proven Himself to me beyond any shadow of a doubt. Ever wonder what God is up to in a certain situation, how he's working in someone? I wonder....

The problem with books

2009-03-22T22:56:00.000-07:00

...and part of the reason for book clubs. The greatest invention in history is the printing press. That's my opinion of course, but impossible to disprove so....Maybe it's because I love to read and don't get to read enough that I've developed a slightly jaded attitude toward books lately (a shunned lover?). There is a very strong possibility that I might not be able to say this all like I want but I'll give it a shot....

Books have enabled knowledge and ideas to spread faster than than humans can responsibly absorb them because they tend to be absorbed by individuals at individual rates, not by groups at the same rate. What happens when ideas hit an individual who ponders and processes it all internally? What becomes of knowledge and ideas that are absorbed by individuals and mixed with other fermenting ideas within themselves that have not been thoroughly vetted by others? Have books added to the great conversation or subtracted? What happens to a society when all the individuals are absorbing different ideas at different rates? (I'm not suggesting that this is altogether bad)

Before books how did knowledge transfer? How did ideas spread? How was history documented? Oral tradition. People had to talk it out, they had to repeat it over and over- many times in group settings. What did this cause- discussion? Conversation? A shared experience? Growing together? Is this a good thing? Could they retain their own identity as a person and still have greater bonds with others?

Now, with books, we 'hear' ideas in the silence of our mind as we read isolated from our community- even if it's in bed at night, on the couch at Starbucks, or right next to a friend reading another book. Don't get me wrong- I think books are powerful, they have the power to move mankind in amazing ways. Remember, I love to read. BUT....but what I'm wondering is- What are missing out on by reading a book to ourselves and not reading it with others? Our culture values individuality possibly to a dysfunctional extreme. How can we expect to live in community, to encourage the brotherhood of mankind when we are each pursuing our own individual "idea agenda"? Even if our community is pursuing the same goals, are we sabotaging our efforts with our approach to absorbing and assimilating ideas and information? If not sabotaging, then at least retarding?

I guess this boils down to a personal revelation that I think (because I've been told) that I think too much and can over analyze. Why? I honestly believe that it's because I have read so much that has gone unfiltered by the people around me. I read a book and it has had tremendous impact on my thinking. Books have literally shifted my paradigm and yet I sense an inability to fully communicate and reveal the extent of that impact- because (my opinion)I was not communicating during the transformation. Information and ideas were hitting my grid and reforming it without input or exchange from anyone else (to a large degree). Something about that doesn't jive with what I've come to understand about life the way it was supposed to be. (If you've made it this far, you might be thinking about how I came to that conclusion-yes through reading on my own BUT...there has been dialogue with others)

Ideally - I'm just putting it out there that I think we were made to live together, not alone, not lonely. This includes conversation, dialog, exchanges. Maybe I've over thought and overreacted. If so, it's because- well, I've been thinking too much on my own.

Recognizing Jesus

2009-02-07T02:26:00.001-08:00

I was in a group of guys the other night and we were reading John 21. Five of Jesus' followers were out fishing (or trying)all night and Jesus appeared on the shore in the morning, called out to them about how to catch more fish and then cooked them breakfast after they landed with their nets bursting. The NIV translation says in v. 12 "now come and have some breakfast!" Jesus said. And no one dared ask him if he really was the Lord because they were sure of it.

What? Come again?

That's a strange thing to say - on the surface. They didn't dare ask because they were sure? Then why mention it? Why consider asking? daring to ask? This suddenly hit me in the middle of the discussion- I've been here, I've thought this. And John just nailed it. Jesus shows up and we know it's him but it's so...so out of place in one sense and yet so ordinary in another sense. This had to have been surreal for John and the guys. Jesus shows up, gives some obscure fishing advice that fills the net, then cooks breakfast for all. A scripture that haunts me is the one that says "I was thirsty and you gave me a drink, I was... and you..." I don't believe this is figurative anymore. I think it's literal. I think it's Jesus. I've heard too many stories and my eyes are open just enough to know that He is alive, He is risen, and He lives. Can I see him? He will just appear. He will give obscure advice. He will cook breakfast. It will be amazing and at the same time so ordinary that I will usually miss it. I need to ask, even if it requires a dare.

On a lighter note- one of my recent best memories of my dad includes this story (John 21). My brother and I were back in NE to visit and the pastor was away so, in Tallin tradition, the Steele men were slated to take the 'sermon' time. (background info- Dad has preached and taught an adult class, he knows how to share, deeply and extemporaneously) So...Dad was first and he got up and said that he had been reading John with the rest of the church and on his birthday (sept 21) he read chapter 21. Actually he startedreading the chapter and said that when he came to verse 3 "simon peter said, 'I'm going fishing'.." he thought that was such a great idea that he closed the book and went fishing that day. With that shared, he closed his bible and took his seat. 30 seconds max. I still remember Ben and I looking at each other- "How do you follow that?"

Godspeed

2009-02-07T01:52:00.000-08:00

I don't know the origins of the word godspeed but I've attached my own personal definition to it. This idea hit me when I was in Mexico with a group from OC and SD looking at some possible partnerships there. Godspeed is moving at the speed of God- which is neither too fast (not that I can get ahead of God, but I can forge ahead on my own agenda and time line in the western mindset of productivity and efficiency)nor too slow (that passive-aggresive digging in the heels when God is prompting)

Jesus moved at godspeed. Paul usually did, it seems. Peter finally figured it out (he was known for forging ahead at times). I want to figure this out-I want to move at godspeed more and more. It has to be Spirit controlled and when I'm "walking" like that, seeing life through His perspective- time warps a little bit. I'm in some kind of sync or rhythm. Noticeably absent are stress and anxiety (either from rushing or resisting)

What makes it most difficult to live at godspeed? "Culturespeed" to coin another word. If people around me are living on a frequency that's off, it will be harder to stay on God's 'frequency'. I can also point the finger right back at me, too. I can put expectations on myself of what I think others want and that can really foul up a good rhythm. I'm no musician but I know there's something about tuning to a standard. I know the Standard and I know how to tune (or actually how to let myself be tuned. My challenge is to recognize sooner when I'm out of sync. God help me.

Get real (emotional)

2009-01-10T21:05:00.000-08:00

As I continue on this journey, it has become obvious that I have a long way to go.

When I consider the simple question "what does God require of me?" and contemplate the answer that Micah gives in the 8th verse of chapter 6 - "To love mercy, to do justice, and to walk humbly with your God" I understand that I need help. Well, help doesn't always come when I want or how I want. What's up with that? Actually sometimes I ask those close to me to reveal my blindspots, to give me their perspective on my life that I can't see from my myopic angle. That's usually not when true help arrives, though no fault of the person I'm asking. It usually arrives after I have just blown my cover and then I hear a voice of correction. Sometimes it's in my own head- that still small voice. Sometimes it's the voice of my wife and sometimes it's my friend giving me a book. Sometimes all three...

So we're at a retreat that I mentioned in a previous blog (fully human)and the very first day I say things to Cheri that cause a 'discussion' which ends in her telling me that I put up a front that hides the real me from others. ouch .

There's not really a way to defend that (without reinforcing the perception)

I think I acted like I took it fairly well in the moment but it hit me pretty deep and gave me pause when the speaker started talking like he had been privy to our 'discussion'- see that previous blog again. This started some reflection/introspection which continues to this day. I was sharing all this combined with the incident on the ship (last post) with Shaun and he handed me a book later with the title "Posers, Fakers and wannabees (unmasking the real you)".

Wow. so that's what i am? poser. faker.
but wait...whatabout...can't you see... never mind. face the music. get real

(part of what helps with the context is that when I'm at someone's house and they have a bookshelf in a public room, i'm usually checking it out. that's how i found John Piper (my brothers house) and "the ultimate intention" and others(cheri's grandma's house). so I was starting to form a pile and Shaun helped complete it!)

I finished the book last night (it used to be called "Abba's child" by Brenning Manning)and since I'm not a book reviewer I'll just say that it dovetailed nicely with the idea from the last post. I'm still on the front end of discovering how deep this root is in me. What kind of scares me is that emotions are, or will be, involved. I've been so guarded with my emotions (I won't go into why I think I have been guarded- but for those of you that don't know my past well, I had a very functional home and childhood- just not much emotion. 3 farm boys, etc.) The reality is that my family, including Cheri, has never seen me cry. I just can't let go in public. Could be the control freak in me. Whatever it is has just become the latest revealed blindspot and I don't have any idea how this will play out but I want to live more fully - and I'm thinking that includes my emotions.

He loves me

2009-01-10T18:47:00.000-08:00

We spent two weeks in Mexico over the holidays. The first week at sea then a day in San Diego followed by about 5 days of 'commotion' at the Sheahans in Por Venier. Part of the 'community-in-motion' was reading a book together. Shaun chose "He loves me" by Wayne Jacobsen. We're barely into it so I won't attempt to summarize the book...yet.

The thought that penetrated to a new level was just that..."he loves me". Another simple, yet possibly the most profound idea ever. I've always 'known' this in a doctrine sort of way and grew up singing "Jesus loves me this I know..." so now what is this revelation? How do I explain this deeper "knowing"? It gave me pause and still does, this most profound idea ever. How did I miss out for so long and why did it just now sink in? Why does it matter?- I just want to live in this forever!!!

(it is fascinating and somewhat mystical- how God works and chooses to reveal Himself in new and deeper ways. could i have helped trigger this in any way? actually in this specific instance i had a moment on the ship that I regretted and it caused somewhat of a breakthrough in being real. it was borderline shaming and as i kept my heart open to God, He was able to work it out for His purposes- redeeming it in a way that leaves my head spinning with how He works. possibly this 'opened the door' for Him to work and reveal Himself in a deeper way? yeah, i think it's possible)

So the amazing fact that He loves me can be broken down in so many ways. The Creator and Sustainer of all, who calls Himself my Father, loves me beyond any measure and unconditionally. I was trying to explain this unconditional part to my kids and I just felt so unable to. I am the closest representation of their Real Father and my history has not been stellar. I've heard it said that many people have a hard time thinking past their own father when they think about God and that can be very indicting. I try to not be shamed by that but use it to desire to be a better representation. This is just not possible at all without His love, strength, and wisdom flowing through me. If I'm not connected, then I'm automatically dysfunctional- it's against the way I was designed (to be independent).

Now how should I live? (in this new "knowing") On Sunday and again in small group on Tuesday, John said "be who you are". I've heard and read in the past about our position- what we are. Our life is to flesh out what we are - we are sons of the Most High, we are heirs, we are beloved. I can live in this, live IN it and live it OUT. BE what I already am - act like it, live it out. But I can't do it on my own effort. No, it's Christ in me the hope of glory. Here's Paul in Colossians 1:29 "I work hard as Christ works through me" Well now Paul, can you tell me who it is, is it Christ or you? It's both. When Paul is connected, when he's abiding (John 15)then his life is hidden in Christ. Christ is in Paul, Paul is in Christ- they are inseparable. That's what I want, that's what God wants. What do you want?

Waking up

2008-12-14T19:13:00.000-08:00

I've developed a habit over the past couple of months or so of connecting with God before I get out of bed. As soon as I realize that I'm still alive and still me and have a day in front of me, I think/pray something like- "Good morning, Father. Thank you for a new day, thank you for my life, thank you for working in me and around me and help me to see others the way you see them, help me to see my circumstances and opportunities the way you see them. My life is all yours and I want you to rule me and let me know when I'm not cooperating. I need you desperately in every way and want others to see you better through me. Thanks..."

What exactly started this I'm not sure but it's been a combination of learning (in an experiential way)that I was designed to be connected to God. Any thought, words or action that expresses independence is absolutely dysfunctional. Another learning is that it really is possible to pray without ceasing. Essentially the same as being/staying connected but in a more conscious way - the fact that every thought I think can be prayer. If I'm connected (and being connected properly is to be aligned-to know who the boss is, acknowledge it and embrace it)then my thoughts are connected.

The experience of waking up every day is like pushing the 'reset' button on life to a small degree. The vast majority of days prior to my new habit started with some version of this in my head after and in between hitting the snooze button "oh boy, already morning, I'm so tired I wish I could call a timeout on life and just catch up on my sleep- oh well, what's on my plate today? (people, projects, plans, priorities follow in jumbled stress)Do I have time to read my bible? not if I want to get 7 more minutes or make it to the meeting on time. I better get up-I wish it was Saturday- Okay, here it goes...." Not much excitement, not much hope, not connected- just out on my own power...and insecure, anxious, and stressed OR if things seem to all be "going my way" at the moment-I'm proud and pompous. Either way, less than fully human and not attractive at all.

Why did it take me this long to figure this out????

Fully human

2008-12-11T21:18:00.000-08:00

I just spent 3+ days at a gathering at Mt. Hermon with Cheri, good friends and a group of people on a journey. The journey is the same for us all, yet takes us down different roads. I’d love to be able to summarize it in a sentence or even a paragraph but….so….OK- I’ll give it my best and try real hard not to use worn out cliches. Most of us come from the Christian religion and we have seen it become in many ways just that- another religion with the associated rules, rites, guilt, shame, subculture, expectations, who’s who, are you in or out, etc. Many have come to a point of being tired- tired of playing the game. Frankly, tired of ‘doctrine’, tired of living up to the expectations of the rule-keepers, tired of religion. So we dream and we let our well trained minds out of the ‘religion’ box and ask “what did God have in mind when he made us? What does it mean to be fully human? Is that congruent with the ‘abundant life’ or ‘eternal life’?” In other words, did God create us to play a type of waiting game- sticking it out and sucking it up in this life while we wait for that next one? Does human = bad?

The one example that seemed to get more play than others had to do with appearances. One man’s story about his senior picture that had been airbrushed and how he wanted that picture to represent him even though it was the most unlike him. The idea is that we (and especially I) want to project an image that is better than reality. We want to show our ‘good’ side and keep the other side(s) hidden, secret. Someone has said “you are only as sick as your secrets”. And so, part of living in real community is not hiding, but revealing. Not being ashamed of our humanity but exposing all of it- the good, the bad, and the sinful. Confessing to each other is God’s way. It’s healthy. It’s functional- highly functional. Must be how we were made. The more that I keep it to myself, the more unrealistic I am and want others to be about me. Not good=not healthy=not functional=not the way were made.

(I had a feeling this wouldn’t be short) Being the visual type I came to view my life as a pipe- like a pipe that carries water, say…in a fountain. I function best when the water can flow unimpeded through me. So what people notice as they see the fountain is the water, not the pipes that carry the water. The best that I can offer is to be a clean, clear channel for the living water to flow. Anything that hinders the flow or draws attention to the pipe is not fully functional- in fact dysfunctional. My 'pipe' is not identical to any other pipe so the fountain flowing through me will be unique- the expression of Christ living through me will look different than anyone else. Not only is that OK, it's by design and it's the mosaic that makes the body so beautiful (when it's functioning) I just remembered a song from college days "I got a river of life flowing out of me.."

Other thoughts from the weekend:
Heidi (who has adopted 7 boys – 3 from Africa) waking up to pray “God help me, there is no way I can pull this off under my own power” before she rolls out every morning.

Kelley talking about counting the cost and realizing that when we don’t have enough on our own- to negotiate the terms of peace, which in our case with God means full surrender.

unity through diversity

2008-11-15T15:01:00.000-08:00

This sounds attractive and happens to be an ideal named on the coins of our country (in latin) and is also the ideal of the body and bride of Christ, the church.

There's the theory and then there's real life. If we all have the mind of Christ, we would not have divisions. (I originally put a ? after that sentence but then used the .) We would still have many styles of worship and 'denominations' I suppose, but it would never be an "us vs. them"

Having the mind of Christ is the challenge. This would not preclude our individual gifts, talents, preferences but it would "consider others more important than ourselves" and all the rest that we read in Philippians 3 and other passages.

I'm thinking that God must be grieved by the divisions that are a result of not having the mind of Christ. What can I do though about the whole world, or even the "Christian-(little Christ)" community? Well, I can affect everyone I come into contact with and if enough people did the same our communities, culture, and world would reach a tipping point. The kingdom at hand? I think so!

The ultimate intention

2008-11-02T20:20:00.000-08:00

It's the name of a book that I'm reading (by DeVern F. Fromke). I found it in Cheri's grandmother's library over a year ago and have been reading it sporadically. I love to read and used to read one book at a time but lately I've been reading a few at once. The effects are synergistic and serendipitous so I just go with it and don't try to force the 'recipe'.

This particular book seems a little obscure and it has taken the longest to get through. I've read 8-10 completely since I've started "The Ultimate Intention" and I'm only 2/3 done. On a scale of potential life impact this book is around 9.5 so it's worth the slow go.

Today I read 5 principles which 'coincide' perfectly with my current thoughts. I use " because I understand that God controls these things in ways I don't understand (or try to force) but just accept in awe. Here are the 5 found on p. 124:

1) God's grace is demonstrated that we might be free from captivity, but this freedom is to be used for and unto His ultimate intention.
2) God always asks that which is impossible to the natural man in order that His people will be dependant upon divine, spiritual resources.
3) God designs all things to function properly under His control. He is not content to merely set us free, but longs to "turn our captivity"; that is, He longs to bring us back into His captivity.
4) Man must either submit to God's purposes or become captive to some other law. God's plan will not allow us to live long in liberty apart from law.
5) God's pattern is not spurts of consecration and dedication, but a consistent walk leading into a continuous unfolding revelation of His plan and purpose.

One thing

2008-10-31T16:44:00.000-07:00

The synthesizer in me is always trying to simplify.
What would it be like if, instead of trying to remember a few hundred things every day, I could boil it down to 3 or 4? That's really attractive because it stresses me out to think I may be forgetting something. So there are many levels of application here: the most obvious, external is the to do list- calls to make, things to do, bills to pay, places to go, etc. My answer is to remember Outlook and my notebook. Outlook has appointments and general recurring tasks. The notebook has specific recurring tasks and somewhat of a journal. So I can "remember" thousands by just remembering 2 things. That was easy. It just involves the habit of learning to enter info into the appropriate document. Organization 101.

Now move to a more philosophical level. How can I remember all the "beliefs" and "ought to's" that I should? Since this is not a tangible, "check it off" realm- it's a bit more slippery but because it affects my life on a deeper level and drives the life of the paragraph above, it is essential that my 'system' for remembering here is very purposed. I'm not suggesting that I can put my spiritual life in a box with a system and be content. What I'm searching for is the "one thing" that is the core, the starting point, the foundation, the first grid which all succesive layers of the grid must be true to. It has boiled down to this for me: Be right with God. Boy, that sounded really profound. Here's my thought behind the word "right"- I can determine right from wrong based on design or original intent. God has made everything on purpose with a design and the best I can do is to be completely in line with that- right. The first "right" is that I was made to be in relationship with Him. Any sense, idea, or act of independence is flat out wrong. Because this is not the state that I was born into, I have to reprogram and acknowledge this on a continual basis. The first time that I "connected" was an amazing experience- the thought of being right where I was made to be was overwhelming in a good way. My nature is not to stay there though and so part of the "one thing" is to remind myself of this truth: I am desperate and hopeless without God, I am fully alive (what I was made to be) when He lives in me and through me. A mystery yes, but a true and right one. The fact that He designed us to recognize, desire, and enjoy this is true love- I'm so grateful right now just thinking of that.

The second part of the "one thing" is that, in our relationship we are not equals- he rules and i submit. In this relationship it's a beautiful thing. In others it gets a bad rap because no one is perfect and there is much abuse. The kingdom is all about ruling, it's all about soveignty, it's all about God being the creator and me being the creation. When this is as it should be, my life is right! The core is in place and so my preoccupation can stop about all the lists of do's and don'ts and shoulds and shon'ts (just go with it for the ryhme). I may be able to stop asking WWJD and actually observe Him through me.

That's the "one thing" for me. I need to be connected to and ruled by my Father, the King of Kings. It's just amazing that what I need I also crave and any other option is so empty.

The bridge

2008-10-25T16:55:00.000-07:00

Allow a few minutes afterward to ponder...

www.maximumreferrals.com/videos/bridge/bridges.html

and another, keep the tissues nearby -

http://www.godtube.com/view_video.php?viewkey=8cf08faca5dd9ea45513

An interview on community

2008-10-19T00:15:00.000-07:00

Jen Lemen was on the same plane to Africa that I was, but had a different itinerary while there. I got to know her on the plane and just found this interview with her about community. This is attractive and if the economic conditions speed this up, well then..... bring it on:

http://www.letterstomydaughters.com/2008/07/whats-your-idea-of-community-interview.html

Exhaling (and other personal notes)

2008-10-18T01:57:00.000-07:00

When I post like I just did below, it feels like a big exhale. It's a similar feeling that I have right after completing a proposal for a major project. WHEW!!!!!!!

I took an online test from a book called "now, discover your strengths". What I discovered was my 5 themes. Out of the 34 strengths these were determined to be mine: Intellection, Connectedness, Input, Achiever, and Responsibility. The point of the book is to concentrate on strengths and don't put so much time into trying to strengthen weaknesses. I like that! and it seems like that aligns well with reality.

Starting this blog was a good outlet for "intellection" (did anyone tell those authors that spell check does not appreciate that word?) Writing down my thoughts helps me to articulate and crystallize ideas. Reading (and now, multiple books at a time) is huge for my mental health- I could read all day.

Getting on Facebook is a great outlet for connectedness (and I'm really surprised that spell check buys that word- maybe I already added it to my dictionary). My brother Todd and I share this connectedness- we tease about his 'small world' theory, but deep down inside I'm a subscriber as well. I love watching people connect, hearing about people connect, to each other and their creator.

Acheiver and Responsibility find plenty of outlet as the owner of a remodeling firm. It's the Input label that has me a little confused. I may need to reread that part but if it's about organizing and systemitizing then I get it. My email folders and internet bookmarks look like the library of congress- it may be borderline OCD. When my physical world is organized I have peace. Isn't everyone like that? (ooops, a little tounge in cheek. sorry)

Speaking of PEACE, it's super high on my values. Probably right under TRUTH. I love peace but will not, can not sacrifice truth for it. (eternal, absolute truth- not temporary or relative truth)

Peace, J

Aligning with Reality

2008-10-18T00:02:00.000-07:00

I had to get new front tires (and brakes) on Thursday because I just noticed that one was showing steel on the inside. The cause? The tires were not aligned. So off to another shop to take care of that. And as "ounce of prevention, pound of cure" would have it- I spent $ 70 for the alignment and $ 400 for two tires (fairly big truck). Yeah- I could have put off that tire purchase for another x months if my alignment was good. Here's where I'm headed- it's always good to be aligned.... but there a lot of ideas, philosophies, religions, etc. to align to, right? How can I know if I'm aligned to the right one? Again, this another subject that can get really deep and theoretical but I'd like to keep it practical. Ha. Well, it's worth a try.

There are universal principles in so many threads: the physical sphere, the mental, emotional, spiritual, etc. We know that if we choose to violate these "laws" we will suffer the consequences. (how many examples should I list before I continue?) Man has learned to overcome some laws (say gravity) by using another law in a more powerful way (lift of an aircraft wing from air pressure differences). Is it possible to overcome all laws by using some other law in a more powerful way? That depends on what we mean by 'overcome' and 'powerful' I suppose, but to keep it practical- if a law is a universal principle, it will always be in effect. The effect of that law may not be apparent or obvious if another law has greater influence over the effects of the first law. Stay with me. Ok, 5 minute water break. Could it be that we have fooled ourselves about this in more important, eternal matters? What if we admit that there are spiritual laws and yet the reason that we choose not to live by these laws is that we invoke other laws that have a more perceived, temporary benefit or effect that nullifies (from our perception, or in our economy) the effects of the laws that we're not too hip on? If I lost anyone at this point, write me. What I'm doing here is mostly introspective analysis and letting you in on it. I do believe that this is a universal issue though.

Now to get personal- I know that there is a law of connection, I'll call it. We were made to be connected to God. He made us to function in relationship with Him. Different words help different people, so we can talk about 'abiding' or 'dependence', whatever the word- the idea is that we were made for this and He has made it possible. Our souls crave this and we crave with an intensity that will not give up easily. The problem is that we mislabel this craving, or 'feed' the craving with a poor substitute, or even deny the craving- either out of hopelessness or a sense of (false) spiritual piety. Any of these will wear my tires wrong, so to speak, because they are not aligned with Reality. (I capitalized on purpose because the ultimate reality is God, who defines the rest of reality) If we live out of alignment, there will be consequences. They may not be apparent or obvious right away but they will be present. Cars don't drive the same when the alignment is out. Lives don't live the same when the alignment is out. And yet, I know this and choose at times to ignore or suspend the law of connection (gravity) in favor of the law of independence (difference in air pressure). The aircraft called 'self' works like this but it does take a lot of energy and at some point gravity will win. My point in this confusing car tire/airplane wing picture is that when I choose to buck the universal principles of life, it will have effects; some are perhaps desirable (at least temporarily) and some not. Why would I think about bucking these laws- why even entertain the idea of independence? One reason is that I don't so much entertain and then consciously decide- it's more of a reaction or impulse, it's the natural human tendency. The other reason is that I'm believing a lie- something else is better than God, to put it bluntly. How do I live then, like I know I should when I have these natural tendencies and attractive lies? This is where a change in belief systems is needed. If I'm living misaligned, then I'm believing something not true, something that doesn't exist in the ultimate Reality. So how do I change my belief system? (not a wholesale change, because there must be enough of a solid core to be able to even realize that some of the outer layers aren't right)

A good place to start changing the 'bad' is to name and confirm the good. I won't try to build a comprehensive list here. Let's do the bare bones for now, we can always go back and add. The important thing is to get it right. This is my core: God created everything for a purpose, including me. He has made me to live, truly live, when I am in right relationship with Him. He has also made the way for this to be possible. He is the Way, the Truth, and the Life. Connecting to God (being in right relationship) requires that I accept, acknowledge, and live the simple reality that He is Lord. His proper place is Ruler, King. He is Sovereign and whatever he reigns is right- fulfilling design=right and when I put myself under his dominion, I am living like l was created to live. Seeking first the kingdom of God is really nothing more than aligning myself with Reality- understanding that God is King, He deserves to rule, and it's in the best interest of the universe to allow Him to rule. That is my core. It's solid and it will not change, so help me God. I'll confirm this (til kingdom come!) and it will help me to identify the beliefs that need to be changed. (sidenote on 'allowing' God to rule-this sounds like the mother of all paradoxes and so I will let it rest for now, be OK with it and address it later? yeah)

Loving, yet not approving

2008-09-24T11:05:00.000-07:00

This is huge, God help me get it right here.... I've been in a couple of situations with people that have made bad choices and hurt me. My challenge is to love them while not approving of their words, actions, attitudes, etc. Is it possible? I have to think so, to try and hope that I can.

I'm talking about real love, not just a "virtual/spiritual" idea that doesn't express itself. I want to experience and express this kind of unconditional love which I know God has. So I'm thinking out loud: God loves everyone- even those that ignore, blaspheme, misrepresent and accuse Him. He has demonstrated this on a personal level and on a macro scale (if we have ears to hear and eyes to see). We (who follow) have been given the ministry of reconciliation, which in it's healthiest expression, is holistic - not just words but also actions-not just head but also heart. This light seems to shine the brightest where it is darkest so while the normal person will love those that love them, it is something special to love in spite of rejection and ridicule. Jesus Christ is my ultimate example and coupled with the last post of a theme "just do it", I want to act out love even when I don't "feel" like it. The feelings catch right up - a lot faster that the actions catch up when I think about doing it for too long. "Delayed obedience is disobedience" is what I remember hearing in our class on raising kids. And I'm still a child of God so I'll accept that.

The hard part for me is that God loves someone more than we ever could and still lets them ruin their life and others'. In some cases He intervenes and in others it appears that He doesn't. I'm not sure how to translate that when, for example, it's my own child that's making bad choices. The level of intervention wanes as they age but never goes away. I catch myself asking "how much I should intervene?" when my main focus should be "how much love can I show?". If and when intervention is needed, it will be framed in this context of relationship and love-far more effective than just an authoritarian style cut-the-losses rescue.

This "love showing" will speak to others like nothing else can and gives an accurate representation of God, which makes reconciliation easier and more desirable. Can I handle and be truthful asking "what is my agenda?", "what is God's agenda?" and "is there a difference?" For me it pretty much boils down to dieing to my own agenda/self and accepting (acting on) God's agenda. Yesterday was a test, by email, of precisely this and I really wanted at first to not offer grace but ended up acting on what I knew God would want. Guess what? the feelings followed-and right away. About as fast as I committed to giving the grace, my feeling changed toward the person. Dying sounds pretty extreme, but that's how it's called by Paul. Actually 'put to death'- basically kill it. I've been hearing that for the last three Sundays now and know that's what it takes. So it comes down to killing in order to love. THAT's a paradox!

Changing belief systems

2008-09-13T17:23:00.000-07:00

This was the title of a recent sales seminar I attended, which is why I went. But it's also what I want to do- not in a wholesale way but in respect to things that I can see that need to be changed.
After all, I've concluded that belief is demonstrated through life. Beliefs are meaningless, even worse than worthless if they aren't evident in my life. Why worse? Because it reinforces the idea that I can intellectually subscribe to one thing and live another-an idea straight from the enemies playbook.

I just read in a book to "act yourself into new ways of thinking, don't try to think yourself into new ways of acting". The point being, to me, is to just starting doing, being, acting what I want to believe instead of trying to get it all sorted out straight in my head before living it. It's a type of paradox I guess and it can activate my hypocrisy meter but the alternatives aren't attractive. For me personally I fight a little bit of perfectionism- thinking that it all has to be in place before it's implemented. That's critical for sending a man to the moon but this is just life and part of growing is falling down a little and learning how to walk better. Grateful and humble- a good posture for changing....

Praying

2008-09-13T15:38:00.000-07:00

Have you ever prayed and not realized it?

At some point in my life I understood that folded hands and closed eyes were not essential to God hearing me. I know now, having kids, that those are great habits to keep from being distracted. I still remember praying in the car as a kid with my family and thinking how cool it was to be Dad, because he got to keep his eyes open. So I grew up with a habit (good for beginning) and have thought alot about prayer/praying lately. The scripture that will not leave me alone is "pray without ceasing". I'm sure the commentaries have much to say about this (haven't read them so I'm not debating) but I think it wouldn't be there if it weren't possible. Oh yeah, just had a memory of a guy from my childhood church (I was 11-19 yrs old) who would slip into KJV language when praying in public (I'm guessing in private, too). I know plenty of people who revert to their mother tounge because it's their "heart language", but switching to a "prayer language"? Now that I say it like that, I hear a vocabulary from some people that only comes out in public prayer- when's the last time I heard "bestow" anywhere except a prayer? I digress...

So I say it must be possible to pray without ceasing (we're not told to do anything impossible-with Christ all things are possible) And if this is the premise, it requires changing perceptions, definitions, or expectations about praying. To pray:
do I have to stop all other activity?
can i pray while driving? while walking? while talking? while thinking about something else?

Maybe because of our human experience and call waiting, we think that we have to put one conversation on hold before beginning another. God, however, can and does hear millions (billions?) of people at the same time. And He hears us think. No need to be vocal. He knows nothing of call waiting. He can read my mind. This is either terrifying or comforting.

My mental image of praying non-stop is a continuous conversation in our head that includes God in the loop. We always have a thought stream going, even when we're daydreaming. When we choose to close the loop and not let God in, we are in a dysfunctional, independant, not-what-we-were-made-to-do place. This is our history, this is our natural bent-to be self-legislating and independant. We were created for connection though and when we are connected, we know this is where we belong.

There is also some human or western tendancy to seperate prayer from everyday conversation. At a family dinner, I'll actually interrupt a good conversation to "pray" because the food is getting cold, hoping that the conversation will pick back up again when I'm done. I know that it's OK to start praying without eating but I also know that when you let something slip, then enemy would be more than happy to just let it dissappear. What about this: we sit down and the conversation starts and we talk about God and thank Him with our eyes open to each other and carry on the conversation about God/to God? I would love to blur the line and include talking to God and about God in regular conversations.

Another related thought:
Jonah 2 quotes Jonahs prayer inside the fish- Jonah talks about talking to God in his prayer. That wouldn't fit inside my previous prayer box but there it is. How can you be talking to someone when you're talking about them? This is God we're talking about, not just anyone. God considered it a prayer when Jonah was talking about God.

commuting or commotion?

2008-09-02T18:36:00.000-07:00

As I ride the action verb wave of titles I come to a Y. This weekend I was challenged to morph "community" with a sense of life, growth, or fluidness (new word?) so two possible combos are commuting (community with the generic "ing" or "mutating") or commotion (...with motion).
Others: commovement (that sounds big business combine-a-name or gov't), commending (nice, if it wasn't already taken)

I'm reading "the forgotten ways" by Alan Hirsch and just found his blog today (even posted). Highly recommended to me and from me about the essence of reproducing the life of Christ, mostly in a community context. I won't attempt to review the book, especially because I'm not finished, but it is non-hype, non-trendy, solid, thought provoking-hopefully life changing words.

The challenge- allow myself to be changed by my community as they are led by the Spirit under the Lordship of Christ. I can do this. Not. Christ in me. It comes full circle. Love it!

Deciding

2008-08-27T14:02:00.000-07:00

or - how to make decisions. like I could explain in one paragraph when there are boatloads of books (probably) written about this.

here's my best shot, but first a personal intro... some days I find it very easy to make decisions and some days I get in the "paralysis of analysis" mode and can't decide on the simplest, minor issues. I'm not totally sure what makes the difference but this is what I do know:
- I can't see all the consequences of any decision I make - God can
- even if I could see, I don't necessarily know what is best for me - God does
- I really do want what is best for me - God and I may have different definitions of best
- He made me and he made me to be dependent on him
- I need Him to determine what is best and to guide me there
- When I make a decision without consulting and dependence, it is automatically a wrong decision. It may look right externally, but it reinforces independence --> pride --> sin

So from one perspective, I'm bound and incapable and all my decisions are wrong if my approach is wrong- Ok that's depressing! But God through His Spirit can save the day IF I continually lean on Him for wisdom and express my total dependence along with gratitude for loving me, wanting the best for me, and giving me tools (including my mind) to make good decisions.

This could get philosophical/theological really fast and I'd rather keep it practical and useful. The book "Blink" says that free will is an illusion and I can see the point based on the authors premise. Christians have been arguing free will vs. election (or some variation) for ages and I think it's not really a "vs." thing- somewhere in God's dimension, it's both/and. One choice that we can make is to trust God or not. All other choices fall on this. I don't think it's really possible to separate my trust for "eternal security" from my trust for my next decision or breath of air for that matter. And what is my next decision really? Most of the time I'm not even aware of the decisions I'm making- they are so automatic, intuitive, and quick.

This may be a matter of being more aware - not just to the decisions I'm making but more importantly to what is informing those decisions, especially the subconscious ones. How can I be more aware of this? Is it Ok to not always have a standard answer for these questions, but use the question itself to keep the conversation with God alive? Maybe he likes it when we don't always have the pat answer because that keeps us communicating with Him and others.

Father, I want to be fully leaning on you 24/7, knowing that any decision made apart from you is automatically wrong and not best for me. This is somewhat unnerving and I know you don't want it to be and you have grace, amazing grace and I'm so thankful. Please help me to live in your reality more, to open myself- be vulnerable to you and others, to just be a channel of your incredible love to those around me. I realize that I can't make any right decisions without you and it's so foolish to try. Please remind me when I start down that road of independence. THANK YOU!!!

starting

2008-08-11T20:59:00.000-07:00

This is the mini-version of what would happen were I to design and build my own house. The house would never happen due to all the changes-first on paper, then after construction began. So no custom house until I overcome whatever OCD causes that. But the blog has begun....

I'm leaving out humor, at least I intend to. it may sneak in but it won't work well, especially my style.

thought for the day -- God is infinite (not just in a math way, but in personality) and so my knowledge of Him will never be complete (at least in this life) so if my relationship with Him seems stagnant, is something wrong? (yes) What causes the relationship to go stagnant? (tons of books written already on this but.... could it be that I'm not comfortable with what I may 'discover' next? especially if what I've already come to know doesn't fit in my 'box'? Do I guage my 'maturity' by where i perceive others around me are?